Solving Conflicts

Nonviolent Communication (NVC)

Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is a communication model developed by Marshall B. Rosenberg. NVC enables better communication and trust building through reality orientation, appreciation of emotions, perception of needs and expression of requests. NVC can support the resolution of conflicts in personal, professional or social areas.

In this article you will learn the basic assumptions of NVC as well as the 4 steps of the NVC communication model.

Succession Planning: Relationship to brother or sister

Basic assumptions of Nonviolent Communication

Humanistic understanding

The NVC is based on a humanistic view of humanity. It is assumed that people seek trusting, appreciative communication with other people.

Accordingly, problematic actions are more likely to be seen as misguided strategies or the result of a conflict spiral. Positive intentions are also assumed behind problematic or aggressive behaviour.

“Interpretations, criticisms, diagnoses, and judgments of others are actually alienated expressions of our unmet needs.”

Marschall B. Rosenberg Founder of Nonviolent Communication

Reality testing, inner clarity and empathy

NVC techniques require a clear objective reference to reality and the separation of observation and evaluation. Empathy is applied on a common factual basis: self-empathy and empathy with the other person.

Based on this realistic clarity, it becomes possible for me to clearly feel what I want. I can develop strategies that serve to fulfil mutual needs on all sides. NVC is therefore primarily aimed at the needs and feelings that lie behind conflicts and interpersonal actions.

Own needs and friendly requests

Rosenberg assumes that conflict resolution is easier when certain conditions are met. For example, many people find it easier to respond to (friendly) requests than to demands, obligations to be fulfilled or external pressure.

Therefore, NVC techniques help you to clearly perceive your own feelings and needs. Your own need can then be expressed communicatively by formulating a friendly request.

Approaches to Solving Conflicts – “Giraffe Language”

In nonviolent communication I use a sensitive language, the so-called “giraffe language”. Giraffe language helps de-escalate conflicts. In contrast to this is “wolf language”, which is often perceived as an attack and should therefore be avoided.

Features of the “giraffe language” include:

  • Separation of objective observation and subjective evaluation
    • Separation of facts and opinions/evaluations
    • Observations should be described as they would have been seen by a video camera/neutral observer.
  • Take responsibility for your own feelings/actions
    • Take responsibility for your own actions. Example: “I have decided to follow this order.” instead of “My boss wanted it that way.”
    • One’s own feelings should not be seen as caused by the other person/third party. Example: “I was afraid, that xyz could happen.” instead of “He made me feel bad.”
  • Concrete language / concrete reference to specific situations
    • Observations should be specifically related to a specific situation and context of action.
    • This means looking at specific recent examples instead of making general statements.
  • Process-oriented language
    • Actions can be changed. Personality traits tend to be perceived as static.
    • Therefore, observations should be about actions, not the person
    • Avoiding moral judgments about the communication partner or attributing characteristics
    • Avoid referring to (assumed/claimed) unchangeable personality traits.
  • Avoid demands, accusations and criticism
    • Accusations or criticism often trigger an impulse to defend or counterattack.
    • Condemnations, accusations and criticism should be avoided.
    • Unlike requests, demands cannot be easily refused. There is a risk of punishment (e.g. worsening of relationships, creating fear or feelings of guilt)
  • Use Requests / express needs
    • Requests (“I ask you”) or needs (“I need”) can be responded to flexibly/empathically.
    • Requests can also be rejected. In the event of a rejection, you can together flexibly look for alternative solutions that make it possible to satisfy your needs.

Basic Model of NVC – The 4-Step Model

The 4-Step-Model

The four steps of NVC are Observation, Feeling, Need, Request.

These four components can be used as a model of active communication (active speaking) and empathic listening:

Step 1

Observation

  • What specific action could you observe?
  • Describe the situation as a neutral observer/camera would record it.
  • No judgments, judgments, interpretations

Step 2

Feeling (Emotion / Sensation)

  • What feeling does the observation trigger?
  • Feelings are emotions and perceivable body sensations.
  • Feelings are triggered, among other things, by needs being met or not being met.

Step 3

Needs

  • Which (unmet) need is triggered?
  • Needs are something that I need (needs) and what is important to me (values).
  • Basic human needs include, for example, security, contact, recognition, meaning

Step 4

Request

  • Needs give rise to wishes, which can be formulated as requests for action.
  • A request refers to concrete actions in the here and now (or near future).
  • Requests should be formulated positively: I say what I want not what I don’t want.

Communicating Actively (Speaking)

As I speak, I address each of the four steps in that order. I make sure that my communication partner understands me and use giraffe language.

Active communication: 4 steps in one sentence according to Marshall B. Rosenberg:

“When I see a, I feel b because I need c. That’s why I’d like to ask for d now.”

Active Listening

When I listen actively, I try to find out what the core of the other person’s message is.

I might also ask questions while actively listening to make sure I understand how each of the four steps lives within the other. What did the other person observe? What feelings does this trigger? What needs does the other person have? What is the positively worded request to me?

Active listening questions could take the following form: “Do I understand you correctly that you saw…?”, “Do you feel… because you need…?” or “Do I understand you correctly that you want me to do…?”