Nonviolent Communication (NVC)
Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is a communication model developed by Marshall B. Rosenberg. NVC enables better communication and trust building through reality orientation, appreciation of emotions, perception of needs and expression of requests. NVC can support the resolution of conflicts in personal, professional or social areas.
In this article you will learn the basic assumptions of NVC as well as the 4 steps of the NVC communication model.
Basic assumptions of Nonviolent Communication
Humanistic understanding
The NVC is based on a humanistic view of humanity. It is assumed that people seek trusting, appreciative communication with other people.
Accordingly, problematic actions are more likely to be seen as misguided strategies or the result of a conflict spiral. Positive intentions are assumed even behind problematic or aggressive behaviour.
“Interpretations, criticisms, diagnoses, and judgments of others are actually alienated expressions of our unmet needs.”
Marschall B. Rosenberg Founder of Nonviolent CommunicationReality testing, inner clarity and empathy
NVC techniques require a clear objective reference to reality and the separation of observation and evaluation. Empathy is applied on a common factual basis: self-empathy and empathy with the other person.
Based on this realistic clarity, it becomes possible for me to clearly feel what I want. I can develop strategies that serve to fulfil mutual needs on all sides. NVC is therefore primarily aimed at the needs and feelings that lie behind conflicts and interpersonal actions.
Own needs and friendly requests
Rosenberg assumes that conflict resolution is easier when certain conditions are met. He encourages individuals to first connect with their own feelings and needs before communicating with others. He suggests to base communication on self-awareness and mutual respect rather than coercion or blaming.
People generally respond more positively to requests than to demands because requests allow for autonomy and choice, whereas demands can trigger defensiveness or resistance. Therefore, people often find it easier to respond to (friendly) requests than to demands, obligations or external pressure.
Example: Demand vs. Friendly Request
- Demand: “You never listen to me! Stop ignoring me and pay attention!”
- Friendly Request: “I feel unheard when I’m speaking and not getting a response. Could we take a moment to talk so I can share what’s on my mind?”
NVC techniques help you to clearly perceive your own feelings and needs. Your own need can then be expressed communicatively by formulating a friendly request.
Conflictual and Conflict-Resolving Communication
The following sections introduce two contrasting communication styles described in Nonviolent Communication: “jackal language,” which often contributes to conflict escalation, and “giraffe language,” which supports understanding and resolution. By distinguishing between these approaches, it becomes easier to recognize unhelpful patterns and shift toward more constructive communication.
Escalating Conflicts – Jackal Language
Conflicts are often exacerbated by aggressive communication. This type of communication is characterized by accusations, blame, interpretations, judgments, and demands. In contrast, objective observation, expressing one’s own needs, and taking personal responsibility take a back seat.
In NVC, this type of aggressive communication is called “jackal language” (sometimes also referred to as “wolf language”). The jackal symbolises aggression and attack.
Typical features of “jackal language” include:
- Generalizations and exaggerations
Terms like “always,” “never,” or “all” are used. Such generalizations usually represent exaggerations, which dramatize situations and exacerbate conflicts. - Confusion between facts and opinion
Statements are framed as facts but actually contain judgments or interpretations (e.g., “You are always careless”), making the other person feel criticized. - Blame and externalizing responsibility
One’s own feelings and reactions are attributed to others (e.g., “You make me angry”), which can lead to defensiveness and resistance. - Criticising the person rather than specific behaviour
Criticism is directed at the person (“You’re lazy”) rather than referring to specific actions (“I noticed that you didn’t finish the task by the agreed-upon deadline”). This is often perceived as a personal attack and leads to defensiveness and counterattacks rather than behavioral changes. - Moral judgments and labels
The communication partner is categorized or judged (e.g., “That’s irresponsible”), which can create distance and hostility. - Demands instead of requests
Communication is framed in a way that leaves little room for dialogue or choice, often triggering resistance or fear.
Because “jackal language” is perceived as attacking, blaming, or controlling, it frequently leads to escalation rather than understanding.
Recognising the patterns of “jackal language” is an important first step toward transforming communication into a more constructive and empathetic form—toward “giraffe language.”
Solving Conflicts – Giraffe Language
In contrast to “wolf language” is the “giraffe language” of nonviolent communication. Giraffe language is based on empathy, clarity, and personal responsibility. The giraffe symbolizes a good overview and a sense of perspective.
Giraffe language fosters understanding and connection by separating observations from judgments, and by consciously acknowledging and clearly expressing one’s own feelings and needs. Instead of accusations and demands, specific requests are made, leaving the other person room for a voluntary and cooperative response.
Features of the “giraffe language” include:
- Separation of objective observation and subjective evaluation
- Separation of facts and opinions/evaluations
- Observations should be described as they would have been seen by a video camera/neutral observer.
- Take responsibility for your own feelings/actions
- Take responsibility for your own actions. Example: “I have decided to follow this order.” instead of “My boss wanted it that way.”
- One’s own feelings should not be seen as caused by the other person/third party. Example: “I was afraid, that xyz could happen.” instead of “He made me feel bad.”
- Concrete language / concrete reference to specific situations
- Observations should be specifically related to a specific situation and context of action.
- This means looking at specific recent examples instead of making general statements.
- Process-oriented language
- Actions can be changed. Personality traits tend to be perceived as static.
- Therefore, observations should be about actions, not the person
- Avoiding moral judgments about the communication partner or attributing characteristics
- Avoid referring to (assumed/claimed) unchangeable personality traits.
- Avoid demands, accusations and criticism
- Accusations or criticism often trigger an impulse to defend or counterattack.
- Condemnations, accusations and criticism should be avoided.
- Unlike requests, demands cannot be easily refused. There is a risk of punishment (e.g. worsening of relationships, creating fear or feelings of guilt)
- Use Requests / express needs
- Requests (“I ask you”) or needs (“I need”) can be responded to flexibly/empathically.
- Requests can also be rejected. In the event of a rejection, you can together flexibly look for alternative solutions that make it possible to satisfy your needs.
Giraffe language helps reduce tension, strengthen mutual understanding. It is an important factor to developing constructive solutions to conflicts.
Solving Conflicts
The 4-Step-Model of NVC
The four steps of NVC are Observation, Feeling, Need, Request.
These four components can be used as a model of active communication (active speaking) and empathic listening:
Step 1
Observation
- What specific action could you observe?
- Describe the situation as a neutral observer/camera would record it.
- No judgments, judgments, interpretations
Step 2
Feeling (Emotion / Sensation)
- What feeling does the observation trigger?
- Feelings are emotions and perceivable body sensations.
- Feelings are triggered, among other things, by needs being met or not being met.
Step 3
Needs
- Which (unmet) need is triggered?
- Needs are something that I need (needs) and what is important to me (values).
- Basic human needs include, for example, security, contact, recognition, meaning
Step 4
Request
- Needs give rise to wishes, which can be formulated as requests for action.
- A request refers to concrete actions in the here and now (or near future).
- Requests should be formulated positively: I say what I want not what I don’t want.
Communicating Actively (Speaking)
As I speak, I address each of the four steps in that order. I make sure that my communication partner understands me and use giraffe language.
Active communication: 4 steps in one sentence according to Marshall B. Rosenberg:
“When I see a, I feel b because I need c. That’s why I’d like to ask for d now.”
Active Listening
When I listen actively, I try to find out what the core of the other person’s message is.
I might also ask questions while actively listening to make sure I understand how each of the four steps lives within the other. What did the other person observe? What feelings does this trigger? What needs does the other person have? What is the positively worded request to me?
Active listening questions could take the following form: “Do I understand you correctly that you saw…?”, “Do you feel… because you need…?” or “Do I understand you correctly that you want me to do…?”
